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先日、と言ってももうずいぶん以前のことだが、
あれはちょうどセンター試験の日だったと思う。
通勤電車の中で、
おそらく受験生であり試験会場に向かうのであろう
女子高生たちのこんな会話を耳にした。

「この前、○○からメール来たんだけどさー、
あいつなんかしつこくてぇ、すげぇヤなんだけどぉ」
「あー、あいつー、チョイうざいよねぇ」
「でしょー。バレンタイン、なんかくれとかさー、
ちょーしつこいんだけど」
「あー、言うねー。言う言う。私も言われたー」
「マジうるさい。バカじゃないの。
だからさぁ、もう、だったらこれやるよってー、
バナナの皮でも送ってやろうかと思ってぇ。なんかムカつくし」
「バナナぁ?」
「足下に置いといてやるよ、マジで」
「ああ、ああ。なるほど、バナナの皮ねー。
でも、まだ甘いな。甘い。
私だったら激落ちくんだよ。ハイ、これプレゼントっつって」
「激落ちくん?」
「そう、激落ちくん」
「ぎゃはは、それきっつー」
「ぎゃはは、ちょーヘコむよねー」
「ぎゃはは、ヘコむー」
「ぎゃはは」
「ぎゃはは」

と、このように世間一般の女子高生にまで広く親しまれ、
市民生活に深く浸透してる『激落ちくん』だから、
この商品を知らない人の方がむしろ少ないのではないかと思われる
なので、今更言うまでもないことではあるのだが、
激落ちくんとは、実に大した商品だ。
初めて激落ちくんを手にしたときの衝撃を、私は今でも鮮明に覚えている。
ほとんどあきらめかけていた、冷蔵庫に付着したタバコの脂だとか、
押し入れの扉に付着したタバコの脂だとか、
照明のスイッチパネルに付着したタバコの脂だとか、
とにかく、ありとあらゆるタバコの脂をことごとく落としきって、
まるで消しゴムのように細かなボロ屑となって消えていった、激落ちくん。
文字通り、その身を削りながら頑固な汚れに挑む姿は感動的ですらあり、
かつてお国のために青春のすべてを捧げた若き英霊たちの姿を彷彿とさせる。
無論、命を賭したその仕事ぶりは見事としか言いようがなく、
これまでスポンジ片手にゴシゴシやっていた主婦たちは、
「嘘よッ!」とばかりに我が目を疑い、今日までの徒労を嘆いたに違いない。
タバコの脂ばかりではなく、茶碗にこびりついた茶渋だとか、手垢だとか、
普通の洗剤では落としきれない汚れを
きれいさっぱり一掃してくれるのだ、激落ちくんは。
しかもこれが、洗剤いらずで軽く擦るだけという驚くべき簡便さ!

それほどまでに驚異的な洗浄力を誇る激落ちくんだから、
今まで気づかずにいたのがむしろ不思議なくらいで、
今では不覚とすら自省しているのだが、ふと思いついた。

激落ちくんで歯を磨く。

そこに激落ちくんがあったからそう思ったのか、
はたまた、歯が汚れていたからそう思ったのか、
着想の起点は定かではない。
が、この着想を得たとき、私は世の人間がすべからく愚者に見えた。
何故、今まで誰もこの発想に辿り着かなかったのか?
何故、未だ『激落ちくん歯ブラシ』が登場していないのか?
激落ちくんの性能は周知の通りだ。
歯の白さを得ようと躍起になっている人間はことのほか多く、
けれどもその大半が志し半ばで挫折している。
理由は、歯の白さを得るのが
一朝一夕では叶わぬことと思い込んでいるからであろう。
しかし今、我々には激落ちくんがある。
激落ちくんがひとつあれば、一朝一夕どころか、
ものの数秒で白く輝く美しい歯を手に入れることができるではないか!

実に素晴らしいアイディアだ。
その上、まだ誰一人としてこのアイディアに気づいていないのだから、
これを実行しない手はない。
となれば善は急げ、早急に激落ちくんを手に入れる必要がある──
否。
否、否、否。
ここは万全を期すためにも、激落ちキングを入手すべきだ!
キングと言うからには、その威力は最高峰だ!
パパだのママだの、ましてやただの激落ちの比ではあるまい。
何、激落ちダブルキング!?
何だそれは、そんな商品があるのか!!
よしわかった、そいつだ、そいつをくれ!
先の女子高生も、激落ちくんなどとケチなことを言わずに、
このダブルキングを送りつけてやればよかったのだ。


*使用の際は、注意書きをよく読みましょう。
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